Saturday, June 30, 2001
"I had a dream. we were sister and brother. mother and father. husband and wife. we were both. together." saw the Princess and the Warrior. lovely movie. wonderful acting. still preferred Run Lola Run. Der Krieger and die Kaiserin is too much of a fairy tale. fairy tales bother me. they are not real. yet i think they can raise people's expectations. i mean, miracles. how many happen per year? not that many i would guess. -- today, he gave me 3-4 dozen red roses. i love grand gestures!
8:59 PM
Friday, June 29, 2001
I am sad today. it's not a big deal, i simply feel sad. somehow empty. yet antsy and oddly optimistic at the same time. i want and have to call Gabi, Myrna, Alma. straighten out my desk. throw something away. anything. as long as i feel i'm letting go of past acquisitions. i should make it an exercise. everyday for a month i throw, give, or donate one item.
12:30 PM
Thursday, June 28, 2001
eric's coming to visit nyc in mid july. i'm happy. haven't seen him in years. it seems the largest group of common friends i have are the cmu architects. i've slivered my way into their sphere and after many many years, it feels really nice. you can't beat Time. no matter how instantly i may click with a person, having time behind us does make a very big difference. and in a way, face to face time is the most important kind. at least interspersed between the phone conversations and emails.
1:53 PM
Wednesday, June 27, 2001
boy: miracle goodnight is lovely
boy: got the video for Ashes to Ashes
girl: yup! - check out: resume
girl: not happy yet but i think it's going in the right direction -
boy: kewl!
boy: agreed
girl: you like it?
boy: the hands don't work unless it's dark
boy: the mouth however is very cool
girl: you are correct!
boy: I like the layout
girl: yeay!
girl: is the mouth too sexy?
boy: i want to kiss the screen
girl: hey! we wrote at the same time again! (:
boy: it happened again
girl: and again!!!!!
boy: lol
girl: hahahahahaha
girl: ok. stop it.
girl:
boy: sometimes I can read your mind
4:05 PM
Monday, June 25, 2001
I think the end of June will be rough. -- It doesn't make sense to me when people refuse to believe ghosts are "real". There may not be 100% proof they exist, but neither is there 100% proof they don't! there is no proof there are no alien abductions. there is no proof reincarnation is a sham. there is no proof we've lived before. there is no proof "this is it". there is no proof there is more. there is no proof "god" is not a caucasian man with a white beard. there is no proof "god" is not a woman. there is no proof "god" is not mickey mouse. there is no proof we do not come from adam and eve. there is no proof we were not made by extraterrestrials. -- there is no proof other than what we all agree to believe in. it seems to me our whole existence is based on many theories.
1:18 AM
Saturday, June 23, 2001
Cesaria Evora was wonderful tonight. she looks like Yoda but sings like honey and wind in trees. the audience was awesome. i love the Beacon theater. we had great seats and the only thing i would alter is omitting the very annoying Bebel Gilberto who opened the show. she was charming enough when she spoke but after the first half hour i was sleepy and bored. she chanted OM three times at the end of one song and it was horrible because her voice was shallow on the OM. she has a good voice but she sounded forced when she tried to OM. this and i didn't like her dancing. she looked self-conscious. yet she was sexy enough that as men periodically whistled their appreciation after one of her dance moves, i felt like it was a strip show, not a concert. anyhow, afterwards we went to a late dinner at Florent. great menu. must go back when i'm not exhausted.
2:12 AM
Friday, June 22, 2001
Mom Describes Killing Five Kids
Updated: Fri, Jun 22 10:01 AM EDT
By PAM EASTON, Associated Press Writer
HOUSTON (AP) - The mother who allegedly drowned her five children one by one in a bathtub told police the oldest one tried to escape but she chased him through the house, the Houston Chronicle reported Friday. In the videotaped interview with police, Andrea Yates described how she methodically killed the children Wednesday, the newspaper said. It quoted an unidentified police investigator as saying she spoke in a "zombie-like fashion." Yates, a former nurse, told police that 2-year-old Luke was the first child to be drowned, followed by Paul, 3, and John, 5. After each child died, Yates recounted on the videotape, she carried their bodies into a bedroom, put them on a bed and covered them with a sheet. She said 7-year-old Noah walked into the bathroom and saw her holding the youngest child, 6-month-old Mary. "What's wrong with Mary?" Noah asked his mother, according to the account. Yates told police she chased Noah through the house, dragged him back to the bathroom and drowned him next to Mary, the investigator told the newspaper. Noah's body was found in the bathtub, the others in a bedroom. The 36-year-old mother was charged late Wednesday with one count of capital murder, but that could change after more investigation, Assistant District Attorney Joe Owmby said Friday. No decision has been made about whether to seek the death penalty, he said... Ann Dunnewold, a Dallas psychologist, said postpartum depression may evolve into postpartum psychosis if something dramatic occurs, such as marital problems or a death in the family. Postpartum psychosis, the most severe form of postpartum depression, affects mothers after one or two of every 1,000 births, said Laurence Kruckman, a professor of medical anthropology at Indiana University of Pennsylvania. "If you are in that category, there is a high likelihood of hallucinations," said Kruckman, who heads Postpartum Support International. "Mothers hear voices that say kill yourself or kill the baby, or both."
-- There is NO excuse. This country is run by lawyers and misguided insane absurd aliens who spend A LOT of time and money protecting CRIMINALS. fine. you want to understand the Cause so in time you can get rid of the Effect. Study these lunatics and the lunatics which surround the lunatics all you want. But it's truly maddening to see how much attention these murderers receive. How much attention and how much support. Where is the justice? If this woman walks in 20 years... Her husband is accountable. Her therapist is accountable. SHE is accountable. Does anyone take on any kind of responsability anymore? Can you imagine what those little kids went thru, to be drowned by their own mother!? People have a very deep evil streak in them. It's difficult to be compassionate and loving and open to all when crap like this happens. If i was living in a cave or a mellow retreat, sure. I could be mellow and tap into the Universal Love supply. But living in Manhattan, and watching TV, it's hard. yikes. i wonder if I'M the one making excuses now.
2:35 PM
Thursday, June 21, 2001
I love stickers. Especially Japanese ones. -- I've been thinking how differently I feel this year since I'm living with my mom. Not only have I reverted to highschool fears and frustrations, but I'm also extremely comfortable with her and TobyDog. -- tonight Mars is the closest it's been to earth in many years. In 2003 it will be the closest it's been in 30,000 thousand years. Madness. -- Happy Summer Solstice. Tonight should be good.
2:55 PM
Tuesday, June 19, 2001
our email and web access at work has been down since monday. i may as well have taken those two days off. boy, do i need to catch up on email. we did set up my old computer in the office and i got to install a new Hard Drive. it's odd how "human" a computer is. especially once you play around in it's guts. who says they're not alive? -- this thursday is the Summer Solstice. the day the sun will stand still. the longest day of the year, right? -- otherwise, the nyc heat is getting to me. and i'm starting to have visions of Montreal. I plan to visit vero this late summer/fall.
10:51 PM
Sunday, June 17, 2001
I'm not sure why I'm still congested. Do I want a break from hearing what everyone has to say? Is it a way to isolate myself? -- Mom is at yoga right now. I decided to stay home and work. I have too many things to do. I have to take a class during the week somehow. -- I'm bored. I'm bored yet I'm too lazy to do anything about it. I whine to myself. I can Feel TIME going by and I'm not participating. I am watching.
3:06 PM
Friday, June 15, 2001
the bird flew into a window. He splattered hard against it and his guts came flying out. This was the trailer they showed in the movie theater. The girl used it as the perfect excuse to cuddle with her new boyfriend. He had a car and she needed to move out of her apartment in a month. All he was thinking about was how much he really loved the popcorn. There was so much butter she got a big stain on her dress. He crudely made a Monica Lewinsky joke, she was not amused. Back at the office Ozzy Osbourne was playing, not the new crap, the vintage stuff. Whatever happened to him? What is his real name I wonder? The girl felt a strange attraction to Ozzy that she could not explain nor feel comfort with. All she could do is unleash her passion onto her clueless movie date. She jumped on top of him and whispered obsenities into his ear. She talked of bats and blood and splattering birds flying against windows. The man at first was hesitant, but he was also strongly excited to his woman...she was raw! He put down the popcorn basket and checked his watch. He suddenly felt ashamed, and embarrased that he was ashamed. He wished he could be home instead, sitting comfortably on his couch, reading a book. But this was always his problem, hiding in a book from his feelings. Maybe she was his ticket to happiness... or maybe she would see all those things that he was afraid of showing her. And then she would toss her hair and leave, walk away and remember him with a condescending smile. This is all he has ever known of women, but he is SURE that she is different. She knows he is special, she knows he is the first man who truly cared for her - the only way she can show her affection is to jump into his lap - after all, that is what all the others wanted... Why do they both fall in to the traps of their past, repeating their worst mistakes? -- DADA experiment 01 by m. and s.
7:59 PM
yesterday we did a huge backup at work. one GB worth already on my computer. messy files are just as daunting as a messy house. i need a good system of archiving. emails, projects, photographs.
10:44 AM
Wednesday, June 13, 2001
today is a year and nine months since my dad died. it still is surreal - there's always going to be a ship sailing aimlessly somewhere in me - i miss him if i think about him. and then i get the claustrophobic feeling Again. so i don't think about him much. i haven't. i don't like that. he was so much fun. i'm realizing now how amazing he was. i have to give my mom credit for being a trooper. she freaks out a lot but overall she's adapted incredibly to our new life. and i see qualities or comments of dad in her. i like that.
8:08 PM
Tuesday, June 12, 2001
why do people create spaces between each other? what is it? by spaces I mean emotional distance. I've done it. I've turned off and shut down before. being alone. being lonely rather. jae and i talked about it months ago. narrowed it down to needing a playmate. someone to play with. that's what it's about. BUT it's not about playing games. at least not "those" types of games. -- i found another key tonight. i thought it was stuck in concrete but it moved so i took it. i should get the ring i found appraised. at least see if it's real or not. that was 3 or 4 years ago. i was working at siegel and gale. i was going out with boatBoy, the triple leo. for a couple of hours i thought it was a sign. -- sometimes signs are just signs that there is NO sign. a coincidence to let you know it means Nothing. -- my mood does get altered by medicine. -- good news is my cousin Alma is back in NYC. it's going to be fantastic to hang out with her. she's in brooklyn but i don't know exactly where. maybe i'll look for a place in her area. i do wish i could find a roomate. -- so tonight stevenm is having dinner with his ex.girlfriend of 7 years. i think that may as well constitute a marriage. i have no idea what he will tell me later on tonight. this point of view, that anything is possible, may be a problem. if i feel anything can happen, how can i trust what IS happening? does it matter? there's a great song called "It Won't Mean a Thing in a Hundred Years". or maybe it's thousand years. the group is... eckh. now i forget. will have to investigate.
10:18 PM
This is a guest log from Melania's friend, oh let's just call him...Mr. Poopypants. Or, the Captain if you prefer. Ya figure i spout out so much nonsense all day that I could say something clever here, but I don't think I can. Performance anxiety I guess. Kind of like when you have to pee and you know that people can hear you, so you can't go. Not that that's ever happened to me.
Thanks for the space Melania! I wasted it quite nicely.
8:10 PM
there is a strange quality to being sick. maybe the chinese medicine i'm taking is having a strong effect as well. i'm irritable yet mellow. i feel less able to be "nice" and pliable (or is that pliant?). i think of myself more intensely than other times. i am selfish. i wonder if there is an organization out there that focuses on helping without the political strings. without the egos and corruption. is the only way to find that to create that myself? if enough people got together, we COULD make a difference.
8:07 PM
"Ada left the porch and walked down past the barn into the pasture. The sun was long gone below the ridgelines, the light falling fast. The mountains stood grey in the dusk, as pale and insubstantial as breath blown on glass. The place seemed inhabited by a great force of loneliness. Even the old-timers talked of the weight that bears down on a person alone in the mountains at that time of day, worse even than full dark on a moonless night, for it is at twilight that the threat of dark makes itself felt most strongly."
Cold Mountain - Charles Frazier
12:10 AM
Monday, June 11, 2001
i'm home sick. bad cough. bad cold. bad. my throat feels like the Sahara. or the Grand Canyon. or the North Pole. i dreamt last night my dad's birthday was coming up. he wanted a small pocketbook mirror and a flash for a camera. so today we lit a candle and mom poured some red wine in a small glass for him. we haven't lit candles in a while. it seems my dream was about Light. -- happy birthDay Veronica! today today today is our first birthday as friends! i love other people's birthdays. this year i'm turning 30. i feel old. and then i feel too young for 30. i've decided i want my friends to write me a story. they could make a drawing instead but i'd like to keep it 8.5 by 11 inches so i can scan them and make books to give to everyone. a story and wool. if anyone wants to spend money on me, wool is good. ok, or any kind of massage/facial gift certificates.
1:33 PM
Sunday, June 10, 2001
What makes me insane about american broadcasts of tennis games is the scores are not shown at all times. you have to wait for glimpses of the set points and forget about seeing how the whole match is goind. good thing all the corporate logos are EveryWhere. our lives are sponsored by Kraft, IBM, Nike, etc. etc. etc. -- i'm also sick with a bad cold. my throat hurts. my chest hurts. my body hurts. the heat outside gives it a surreal flavor. -- Cirque du Soleil yesterday was good. I'm glad I saw one. I don't need to see more. I may be too cynical for the circus. It's similar to climbing tall buildings - you've seen one view, you've seen them all.
11:01 AM
Friday, June 08, 2001
Angelina Jolie wears a small round vial around her neck with about 4 drops of her husband's blood. I think that is romantic. I understand why they would do that. I guess he has 4 drops of her around his neck. Why not? Mom and I made a bet how long their marriage would last. I said 5 years. She said no way. -- stevenm, you should lift some Travis songs. I like. He's on VH1 Storytellers. It would be fun to be a rock and roll star. -- So my throat hurts mucho. I'm drinking massive amounts of tea and water. I guess no rock and roll stardom anytime soon. -- I want to call YS and congratulate her on her new job! But it hurts to talk. Tomorrow. And Vero. I wanted to leave her a message last night but it was late and i just went to sleep. Today I found a message she had left me at the office close to the time i wanted to call her! I love it when moments like that happen.
9:35 PM
I dreamt a group of people, my mom may have been one of them, were trying to take over. Like invasion of body snatchers. I had a hole either in my chest or shoulder or forehead and there was a worm or caterpillar that was supposed to get inside me. I killed the first one. They left me alone in a room and they caught me kill it. Except it had been a fake one. It was a test. So they were now going to tie me and have this thing get inside. Just in time I threw myself out the window. I knew I wouldn't die because this wasn't a real reality and unfortunately I don't remember if I got away. -- In real life, my throat hurts a lot. I can't talk. I can, but it hurts. It's partially psychosomatic. I've been thinking how I don't want to talk anymore. I was thinking of a silence retreat. Be careful what you wish for.
9:42 AM
Thursday, June 07, 2001
Tonight was my second cranio-sacral session. I told Grahm the night after our first massage I saw Mozart's Requiem and I cried the whole time. He asked if I knew Faure's Requiem. I said no. He played 5-7 minutes of it. We listened with closed eyes and it was a perfect way to prepare. He said it's the only Requiem that ends in Paradise. --Grahm touches my feet first and gets a sense of the energy in my body. Tonight I felt dizzy. My head felt dizzy. He put one hand behind my back, thru a sheet and the other one on top of my chest. I'm fully clothed the whole time. I felt a big dark blue empty round space in my chest. Later on he had his hands on my head and I felt like my heart was in my head. I saw and felt the whole organ in my head. The rest of my body was almost a shell. At another point, I saw and felt the inside of my head as a honeycomb. I told Grahm at the end and he asked me about it. It wasn't old and dry, but also not brimming with honey. So he went back and touched my head and I felt like good liquid was pouring in. Good stuff it was. -- At another point he touched both of my palms with his finger(s) and I had the thought "I have a lot to carry." I felt a weight in my hands. And saw my big computer monitor as well. Also at the end he had his hands on my feet and I felt my heart/chest more open. Open. But then I saw a broken window. There were jagged edges and also the anxiety, the question of what will come in now that I'm open. Much like the anxiety of having a broken window in a farmhouse at night.-- Walking to the subway I felt good and round and calm in my heart area. Then I had the obligatory thought I need to share it. But I realized before I can love others, I must love myself. It's OK to keep this good feeling in my chest to myself, for myself. For as long as I need to get used to it. I need Love too. I also had an afterthought that I've read too much. What if I've read one too many Russian novels? The drama of a broken window...
11:43 PM
I'm trying to remember what I was like as a "girlfriend" in previous relationships. I can't. I forget a lot of things for some reason. I fear I frustrate SMS because I need my own time. I'm also not as touchy feely anymore. I'm not sure why. I think I am reserved to begin with. And maybe I feel that if we can't hang out as friends, then we are not a good couple. Does this make any sense I wonder, or is there something "wrong" with me? I don't like provoking him. I don't like being cold. Am I too self-centered?
2:18 PM
Wednesday, June 06, 2001
Which Goddess Are You? I scored 41.7% Persephone. It does fit. -- If you exemplify the qualities of Persephone, you have most likely experienced great loss in your life -- the loss of your health or your emotional or physical security, the betrayal of a friend or lover, the loss of a child, your own divorce or that of your parents. This experience has forced you to face the dark, unenlightened side of yourself (the side that blames other people or circumstances for your own suffering) and transform yourself into a stronger, more independent, more accepting and more loving person. It may have also led you down a spiritual path, and moved you to place great emphasis on inner calm and on close connections with friends. You are capable of embracing, integrating and accepting difficult experiences. Because of that skill, you offer others the gift of empathy -- you know where they are or have been.
12:45 PM
furious. this is the second time an idiot gave me a Blueberry Muffin INSTEAD of the banana chocolate chip muffin i ordered. when i want chocolate, i NEED chocolate. and i despise the disgustingly fake taste of the blueberries. nasty. nasty nasty nasty. i'm sooooo tempted to walk back BUT it's too far. i should taste them from now on. all muffins must be tasted. -- especially because there are much bigger (t)issues in this world, i am mellowly angry that even a muffin, the simple joy of eating a muffin can and was ruined. is it that much to ask for? -- now on to evil, evil people. my mom believes there is a force around "evil" people which protects them. they seem to live forever, that's for sure. someone else has been saying how to be extremely successful, you have to be evil. i agree with both but i would add that these evil ones are not to be envied or emulated. they don't seem happy. and of course, it's not an absolute. not all insanely successful people have sold their soul. i also think it's a matter of what you want. what are your goals? do you want to stay in 10 star hotels and fly first class? fine, owning a private island with a chef, massage therapist, yoga instructor, etc. would be amazing. but it's never that easy. unless you're born into it. -- karma is another factor but i'm not 100% sure reincarnation does happen. there is a tiny kernel of doubt.
10:10 AM
Tuesday, June 05, 2001
today went by very quickly and for once i want more time at the office. and i want pink hair. yup, i sure do. i have to do something punk at least once in my life. once before i'm old and well, old.
5:58 PM
Monday, June 04, 2001
woke up early this morning and almost stepped on tobyDog getting out of bed, almost crashed into furniture, but gained my balance. when i got back in bed i thought of dad. thought how i miss him and thought i wanted to dream something from him.
and i did.
i was getting married. but my fiancee and i decided to postpone. we felt we were doing it for our families, rushing into it for no good reason. he had an uncle at the table. a huuuuuuge man, reminding me of adam's dad except he was huge. he came to me and offered to do this exercise with me, outside. he asked my mom as well but she refused. which of course pissed me off. she refused. in this laughing, cynical, immature, whatever way. so i went outside in beautiful nature. he took my left hand and i put it on top of his palm, palm to palm. we didn't hold hands, just lied them on top of each other. and we started running / jogging thru trees, then altered the rhythm and it was comfortable. and then he did a move where i flipped around, still had contact with his hand, but i was floating / levitating on my back. it felt wonderful. i saw nothing except a grey, whitish pallette with some abstract shapes but the feeling was one of relaxation. i thought maybe this is what it's like to be dead. i was a tad bit aware of being in this state, which made me a slight bit uncomfortable because it was such a new emotion. in the dream we ran 10 - 20 minutes. then we got back and i felt rejuvenated. i told mom and now she wanted to go. so we begged the man but he refused. he was going to take my fiancee and his dad. we waited for him and he showed up and said he thought we'd be waiting. he gave us an autographed film album cover. it had some hearts on it. and then he said he would take mom. he gave us a card and it turned out he had time in 2004! so her appt. was in 2004. he said he'd call us. i asked if he'd feel comfortable giving me his number since it turns out he lived in Montreal. i exclaimed i had a great new girlfriend there and i wanted to call him when i'd be in town. he agreed and then i asked when i could call, between 5 - 7 pm? did he have email. he had email. -- then i thought i wanted to go live in Montreal for a year. and my mom should apply for american citizenship. but then it turns out two police officers had called my house since i wrote two checks for vero and mailed them for her and they thought we were breaking the law. they called during my dream too and i asked them who they were, what their credentials were. they / the person on the phone got all huffy and said i should answer so i simply said "i don't talk to strangers".
this was my dream.
11:44 AM
Sunday, June 03, 2001
i am once again tired of words. had yoga today and during final relaxation i had the thought of letting go. RELEASE. let the universe do its job. don't be as attached to the "final" outcome. is there such a thing?
5:40 PM
Saturday, June 02, 2001
lee krasner was jackson pollock's wife."Often alluding to the natural world's cycle of birth and death, the canvases are simultaneously seductive and ominous, life-affirming and morbid. One such painting, later titled Prophecy, was on her easel in July, when she left for a trip to Europe. Her relationship with Pollock was in ruins: he was drinking heavily and had taken a mistress; and he was no longer painting, while her work was progressing rapidly. At this crisis point in her personal and professional life Pollock was killed in an automobile accident and Krasner was left with the emotional aftermath. Many of these conflicts and their subsequent confrontation and resolution are reflected in her work, which often seems to have served as an antidote to her conscious grief..." -- i wonder if pollock was as charming as ed harris. he was only 44 when he died. he seemed much older. and if he had lived? if he had not started drinking again? would he have returned to lee? is the art world today still prejudiced against women? i think she was just as messed up as he was. to live with chaos, there has to be chaos inside you. or the desire for chaos. it must have been tough to lose him. to have that force disappear. -- is it possible for stable, happy painters to create masterpieces? then again, what is a masterpiece? maybe a velvet painting of dogs playing cards is one man's mona lisa. why not? who decides what BEAUTY is? i'm not referring to capitalism and mass consumption and all those other goodies you have to buy, you have to work for, you have to own. when you die, you can't take anything with you. -- i think most people can sense beauty. universal beauty. or has it all become an intellectual exercise? do animals admire Nature? do animals see beauty - or are they above ugliness?
1:15 AM
Friday, June 01, 2001
walking to work the air smelled and felt like germany. dusseldorf. i have to make reservations to go see my grandparents. i'm not sure why i've been postponing the trip. am i that reluctant to see them with dad gone? am i afraid to be sad sad sad since this could be the last time we see each other? they ARE quite old. once they die, my family will consist of one human being. my mom. well, and probably my cousins and uncle and aunt. family helps. family can be the ultimate networking tool. i guess? maybe when it comes to emotional support? although most families i've met or even my own do have many tissues. - friends are the family we choose -
11:14 AM
