Friday, August 31, 2001
what to write? today Paige is ONE. happy birthday! and happy one year as a mommy Hope!
3:20 PM

Thursday, August 30, 2001
i wish i had a brother or sister. -- got a nice email today from another Melania, in germany. i'll try to write back this afternoon. there are quite a few of us out there. -- i'm moody today. very very moody. and i'm realizing, i've never been part of a team. when dad was around it was the 3 of us. but i was a kid. now that i'm growing up, it would be nice to have a business partner. i'll see if knitting hats with mom can be worth the time and materials. and i HAVE to get back on track with my desire to volunteer or work for a pro-bono company. why am i afraid of success? what is success? it's been very difficult to find unbroken people in this town. i guess we're all broken in some way, but in manhattan, we're broken and oozing. i need mended broken energy. ok. may as well ask for the moon: i want whole energy. last week i had the image of the interactive industry being melting swiss cheese. today i feel like i'm swiss cheese. -- watched an A&E Biography on Bobby Darin late last night. sad. he was on top for quite a few years so at least he lived large. due to heart illness he was supposed to live till 16. he died at 37.
12:45 PM

Wednesday, August 29, 2001
seeing christiane always makes me happy. i wonder if she knows how beautiful she is. i don't remember exactly how we became friends. it was effortless. we worked in the same ad agency. i have to pester her about finding and showing me her baby photos. i'm happy we've been spending more time together. i don't want to go for months without seeing my friends. -- better get back to work. planning to take an Urban Outfitters break and maybe buy some comfortable pants on sale. also want to get nice envelopes for my birthday project.
12:58 PM

Tuesday, August 28, 2001
girl power?

"Cybeles' Story - The ancient one: Cybeles' lover Attis dies when a pig bites off his genitals. In remembrance of this, Cybeles' priests are castrated during orgiastic rituals. After this they used to wear female clothing and behaved like women. It is suggested that the circumcision of men in middle-eastern cultures was evolved from this. Essential to the metamorphosis from man to woman is not only the removal of the genitals, but also the causing of bleeding, which is to be interpreted as the imitation of menstruation. During another ritual, the taurobolium, one was initiated by baptizing in bull blood from a, for this occation, castrated bull. This ritual was only added to the worship in the later period of her rule, about the third century BCE. She was worshipped with extatic dancing and erothic music by drums and cymbales. She was worshipped in caves, her sacred under earthly chambers were identified as a symbol for a womb."
5:03 PM

i'm on hold with the IRS. at least i managed to find a number where i can wait to speak to a human being vs. their machine messages. what you have to do is pretend you're not on a touch tone phone. the wait is about 10 minutes. at least they have nice classical music in the background. my problem is i haven't received my letter concerning my $300 tax refund. i'm afraid our current horrible accountant did something wrong. i'm going to contact a different accountant this afternoon. i feel exposed. a leaf in the wind. i may have an anxiety attack coming on. plus i've been remembering ways in which my mom invaded my privacy. romanian kids have no privacy. i am officially having a FREAK OUT session. you talk of your heart being squeezed, S?! well, i feel i have a troup of elephants marching on mine. maybe if i close my eyes hard enough i'll wake up calm and collected. and of course things are not terribly bad. "we appreciate your patience. please do not hang up. your call is important to us. if you hang up and call back now, this may increase your wait. our calls are answered in the order they are received. please continue to hold. the next available representative will assist you as soon as possible." -- hey, guess what? they're having technical difficulties and their computer systems are down. they can only answer basic questions. i am so frustrated, i am quietly exploding. help?!
1:52 PM

having faith things work out for the best... not being afraid. not being afraid to be on our own. for a while. we've born alone, we die alone. ok. that's not a cheerful thought. discovering who you are and what you want and need is... exciting? painful? frightening? all of the above? this week feels very long already. five weeks wrapped into one.
12:44 AM

Monday, August 27, 2001
saturday late night after charleen's dinner i was waiting for the N/R train and sat down next to two guys. i never look at people. i didn't look at them until i realized they were talking in romanian. one of them was saying how a woman he knew had small tits but nice legs and how you can never have all three: tits, legs, ass. he spoke as if she was his piece of meat. he spoke calmly and sadly. there was no passion in his voice. no childish laughter. nothing except cold, hard analysis. his friend agreed, didn't say much. they looked young and were not attractive. short and pudgy and nothing special. certainly nothing that would warrant them dissecting women. my mom told me that's how most men in romania were. she said dad was special. he didn't have this clinical cold mannerism. she said women could be equally shallow. they spoke of certain male characteristics as well. i had no idea - no wonder she doesn't want to enter the romanian society in nyc. i'm sure there are exceptions. but somehow rudeness is easier to take in a foreign language. english doesn't get to me as deeply as romanian does.
5:32 PM

Sunday, August 26, 2001
went to the Frank Gehry exhibit at the Guggenheim with mom. we both didn't like the exhibit itself or his work. i only love the building he made in Prague which was inspired by Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers dancing. It's a friendly building. His other work is ominous - lots of sharp edges. the guggenheim is a horrible place to display big models. there's little room for viewers to navigate. it was a waste of time and money. almost all my architect friends loved the exhibit. do you have to be an architect to appreciate it? maybe. -- last night charleen and tim had a belated wedding dinner. upstairs at the Savoy. it was a lot of fun. their friends are nice and mellow. i felt comfortable. tim suggested i sell my knit hats. i'm going to do some research into it. why not? i have nothing to lose.
9:39 PM

Thursday, August 23, 2001
i dreamt dad had come back. he was younger and looked great. he had been sick but recovered. we were visiting one of his old business friends. he was nice at first and then ignored us. ignored him. said dad had come in like a bum. smelling of alcohol. which wasn't true. i was talking to a distant aunt who said this business jerk had told her dad needed to shape up. he had! in the dream i thought the man was jealous. or felt cheated that dad had taken time off and now was fine. he was wearing a navy suit and one of his red and white big striped shirts. towards the end of the dream i told dad we should open our own business together. that he's the smartest man i know. we were all worried he couldn't find work again. mom and toby were around as well. -- yesterday i had a facial at BLISS. while i was there i loved it. but then realized the facial itself was not fantastic. the presentation they do is awesome. you feel like you're in a special spa. there's a waiting room with good cheese and raisin bread and lemonade, wine (the idea of wine at a spa grosses me out: isn't the point to clean up?) brownies, dried fruit, olives. you get your own locker and robe and jelly shoes. it's quiet and clean and soothing. so what bothered me about it? i felt removed. maybe like i didn't belong? i wish i could afford some treatment every month. but i can't. so am i making myself not love it before it decided it won't love me? the woman i requested is nice and gentle but we didn't have good chemistry. we had no chemistry. when she gave me a foot and neck/back massage, it felt nice, but that was it. i've had facials with quite a few other people. this woman was just ok. the search for someone to help my face continues. (she did say i need to hydrate my skin twice a day if i can. if you pinch your cheek and you see fine lines it means you're too dry.)
9:20 AM

Wednesday, August 22, 2001
___exquisite queen to be fanned with quills penning excellent words for excellent beauty...too much more than words is deserved to the *n*th degree___

S

melania wrote:
- 2 -
___exquisite queen to be fanned with quills penning excellent words for excellent beauty...too much more than words is deserved to the *n*th degree___

"writing on skin in a new language - the air conditioner reminds you the trees are gone. the silence is gone. innocence slips a little every day, yet you are still here. nothing is going to cave in - nothing except the bad dreams from 15 years ago. you turn me over and begin another page"

___hidden under the air conditioner, under the viddy screen, under our artificaial chestnut tree, never being sold by society, I loved you, and you loved me. reading thoughts in your eyes and, through you, in a space where there is none, seeing beautiful nature___
7:28 PM

Tuesday, August 21, 2001
was buying chicken and green peppers on sunday. while waiting to pay an old man lined up behind me. the store manager came and asked the man to come with him. old man had tried to steal food. store manager was nice and in some kind of accent told the old man he'd seen him in the store many times, that he reminded him of his grandfather so he didn't want to embarass him but he had to pay for the items. old man said yes. i didn't look at either of them. i don't like to look. sometimes i think we aren't meant to live beyond 80. unless we're shaman type of people. every neighborhood should have it's wise men and women. "neigh-bor-hood" ... what's that?
1:23 PM

Monday, August 20, 2001
i tried watching the Teen Choice Awards. impossible. so very very lame. reassuring in a way because i thought teens were edgier than this. i am in shock that Blink 182 is considered a punk rock band. they're so tame! what about the Sex Pistols? Iggy Pop? i don't really like punk rock. but at least it's strong. Blink 182 are little boys. not as bad as the typical boy bands, but they're not threatening. punk rock is scary. Blink 182 are not. -- what else? i had a coffee which cheered me up today. mom said coffee makes her more optimistic as well. the joy of genes. <
10:10 PM

rented The Pledge. haunting movie. not happy. like a troubling dream. i am exhausted today but i got enough sleep. i feel like lying in bed and doing NOTHING. anxiety attacks are here. this day will drag on and on. i feel weak. sad. a white sheet of paper.
12:48 PM

Sunday, August 19, 2001
"yes" he said. witches have known of the other worlds for thousands of years. you can see them sometimes in the northern lights. they aren't part of this universe at all; even the furthest stars are part of this universe, but the lights show us a different universe entirely. not further away, but interpenetrating with this one. here, on this deck, millions of other universes exist, unaware of one another..."

he raised his wings and spread them wide before folding them again.

"there," he said, "i have just brushed ten million other worlds, and they knew nothing of it. we are as close as a heartbeat, but we can never touch or see or hear these other worlds except in the northern lights,"

-- The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman
11:32 AM

Saturday, August 18, 2001
great day today: walked thru Jackson Heights. Jackson Diner IS very very good. cannot believe how loud the planes are - neighborhood is under flight route from la guardia. i'm a silence hog. -- it's been almost a year since i've lived in privacy. i miss privacy. last night i had dreams inspired by The Golden Compass. i liked that. although one of them was tobyDog jumping really high and immediately collapsing and turning purple as if he had died. mom noticed he was still breathing and he revived. he was fine, in the dream and out of it. he is our "daemon". (which in the book is an animal spirit creature soul who accompanies every human being.) oh, so tired. too tired to eat anything except a little icecream. although mom made great fried chicken last night, i can't even think of chewing. i think tiredness can sometimes sneak up on me and then i just turn super grumpy.
11:34 PM

Friday, August 17, 2001
happy birthday grand.dad!

- 91 -
12:55 PM

Thursday, August 16, 2001
i know i had a bad dream but i can't remember. is this what having amnesia is like? read more Golden Compass last night. not sure if i'll LOVE LOVE the book. have to finish it first. i am disillusioned today. sunflower by my computer is beautiful though. with a Yellow that brilliant, there must me something more "out there" than what we can perceive.
12:06 PM

Tuesday, August 14, 2001
i'm immersed in The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman. -- still feel tired during the day. right now, i want to be in bed with the book and the knowledge of a big desert for dinner. my ankle still hurts. i had an attack sophmore year of college. couldn't wear any shoes with a back. a round, deep dull pain in my ankle bone. disturbing. i'm supposed to be young and invincible!
5:56 PM

Monday, August 13, 2001
we saw the Jupiter Symphony tonight. Jens Nygaard couldn't make it. his cancer treatments must be catching up with him. the second half was still incredible. Gerard Reuter is an incredible oboe player. it was magical. the audience went wild afterwards, my mom included. somehow, it could not be compared to a rock and roll show.
11:14 PM

happy birthday Charleen and Adam!
6:31 PM

i had a very disturbing dream last night. Martha Steward was going to fix me up with an amazing apartment. 3-5 huuuuuuuge rooms. a long balcony with dark red brick on the bottom. Martha askes me to check it out and see if i was interested. she was going to call me and arrange everything. dad and mom and my grandma were around in the dream as well. what makes it sad and almost of nightmare proportions is that it is never ever going to happen. WHO CAN HELP ME FIND A NICE APT? I CAN AFFORD? WHO IN THE TRI-STATE AREA CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN? MAGIC. i need magic.

this man, whose letter i found on the ground last week needs/needed some magic as well.
6:17 PM

Friday, August 10, 2001
heat headache. is this what roaches feel like when they're fumigated? -- earlier tonight the other melania called today. besides my mom, she's the only other melania i know. (ok. mom's mom is melania as well but i haven't seen her in almost 20 years.) anyhow, i was very happy to hear from her. -- i am so tired right now. but i've gotten used to late nights. i will be delirious tomorrow morning. i don't like knowing i'll be exhausted before i even go to sleep. ok. i better. (ramble on rose)
1:35 AM

Thursday, August 09, 2001
got home at 1.20 am. working late. now i need to chill before going to sleep. watching Behind the Music on Sinnead o'Connor. she is beautiful. a whacko but i forgot how strong her voice is. her mom severely abused her mentally and physically. i'm not sure how she could bring herself to become a catholic priestess, which she is. why? why, i wonder. must listen to her tomorrow. or today, as it is. irish women can be extremely charming. and insane i guess. -- what else. i hate the little logos channels on tv now have. why would i care if it's cbs or nbc or vh1's blah deh blah. -- sleep. time to sleep.
2:24 AM

Wednesday, August 08, 2001
day 2 of no chocolate
11:16 PM

Tuesday, August 07, 2001
time doesn't exist.
9:46 PM

we have a lot of work to do by this friday. a lot. it's exhausting and exhillarating at the same time. must clean my desk first. must start with a clean desk. a clean desk is a clean mind. (i just had deja vu).
12:41 PM

Monday, August 06, 2001
i found an entire letter on the street today. page one and page two. i'll scan it tomorrow. nicely written in ink. real ink. seems a fake though. the content: so much about NYC. shows off the rotten living conditions and strange people. made me think of xeroxing it for YS so she can write a story around it. -- otherwise, busy at work but it's going well. we had a mouse in our kitchen last night. mom and i lost it. TobyDog was sleeping on the job. i'm happy it wasn't a roach.
8:37 PM

Sunday, August 05, 2001
some people are happy with so little. others are unhappy with everything. i am moody again. knit a hat for about 3 hours yesterday only to unravel it. could have been a Gap made hat. not handmade looking enough. i'll start over tonight. i'm working this sunday again by the way. i need to be productive and get out of here in time to have a sunday night. one of the partners is listening to baseball on the radio. except right now it's a retarded, boring, inane commentary. boring, boring, boring. is it better than Judas Priest? actually, no. how many times do i have to vow to buy headphones before i'll do it? saw Joseph Campbell on PBS yesterday. It's good he has his own foundation now.
2:39 PM

Thursday, August 02, 2001
the concert was fantastic! stevenm, i know you would have loved it. there's one song on their new album, SAVE ME, which i know you'll OCD on. what a voice. what energy. and grace. great great little treasure of an hour. lead singer told us after a song he and Travis are good friends. one night they talked for 5 hours. at the end of the conversation they decided to each write a song and then play it for each other. Travis wrote The Cage (it's on his latest album - i don't know it). he wrote... i forget the title now. but it was good. they're playing together at Radio City in October.
11:44 PM

planning to see remy zero tonight, at the knitting factory. only $10. i've been obsessing on their old album for about a month. i had to cancel girlChris but i think she understands. it's seldom that i become - little rock 'n roll girl - otherwise, i dreamt a lot last night but can't remember. had a tough time waking up. am debating cutting my hair vs. growing it out. and i HAVE to start exercising beyond yoga. i feel shaggy and out of shape. i do not like it. oh, if i could be under an umbrella at the beach right now.
2:43 PM

Wednesday, August 01, 2001
Carving Out Our Name could be incredible. plus Wes Bentley stars as Wes Bentley - he's the blue eyed, plastic bag boy in American Beauty.

"and it's not all that dark
and it's not all that sad
and it's not really scary
and you're not really mad
and you stand and you're walking through memories and masks
and everything slows as you stroll through your past
and behind an old poem you wrote in your youth
sways rusty and wooden the swing in your truth
and you sit in your swing
and you are who you are"
-- jen quanz
4:24 PM

My fourth session with Grahm: I felt a split between the left and right side of my body. Saw an older woman crouching inside my pelvic area. Had thought of understanding her - needing to understand her. When he touched my eyes, felt I had seen a lot. too much? my eyes have their own knowledge. i felt my organs have their own identity and i should be good to myself. i felt like a galaxy. mythological. being cared for. i liked it. towards the end i felt i was filled with legos which were being jumbled. idea of having to destruct something in order to regenerate. BUT do it in a nice way. is this why some people self-destruct? they think it's a way to be reborn? i thought of Fears. i felt anxiety in my left side. thought of embracing my fears vs. pushing them away and thinking they're "bad". at the end, i felt a line uniting me down my body. -- before we started i gave him a lowdown on the past month. he suggested i speak up about my creative ideas. take this moment in time as a way to practice having my voice heard. even if i'm debating/arguing points i may see as meaningless, it's good practice for future issues i will care about. (i paraphrase). -- i can't imagine not going to see grahm during this part of my life. i feel he's always been here - the help he's giving me, the help i'm giving myself. i have no doubt about it.
12:39 PM