Wednesday, January 31, 2001
Dylan McDermott is my celebrity Match, which I can see. Except I can't stand Julia Roberts and am nothing like her.
"Order in the court! Yeah, we mean you. We know it's exciting that Practice hottie Dylan McDermott is your celebrity match, but for heaven's sake, calm down. After all, the TV lawyer may be tall, dark, handsome, smart, suave... Actually, on second thought, woo hoo! Celebrate all you want; this brainy babe (and ex-fiancÈ of Julia Roberts) is exactly the right kind of guy for you ó you love men who sweep you off your feet with their words, not just their biceps. We can just picture the two of you on a date: candlelight, a vintage wine, a deep discussion about literature or foreign film. Definitely swoon-worthy. He may be married (and a daddy!) in real life, but in the TV show in your head, we the jury find that this bright East Coast hunk is all yours."
2:58 PM
Tuesday, January 30, 2001
I know you won't believe the things I tell you - No you won't believe - Your heart has been forewarned all men will lie to you - Your mind cannot conceive - Now all depends on what I say to you - And on your doubting me - So I've prepared these statements far from true - Pay heed and disbelieve - The sun is filled with ice and gives no warmth at all - The sky was never blue - The stars are raindrops searching for a place to fall - And I never cared for you
- WILLIE NELSON -
1:55 PM
Monday, January 29, 2001
I have no idea what to wish for.
4:53 PM
Friday, January 26, 2001
Second hand smoke is horrible. I went to a comedy club last night and after 3 hours my jacket stinks, my throat hurts, i feel invaded by the stench. SInce I'm choosing not to smoke at the moment, I don't like smelling smoke. I still feel weak and moody and angry. This whole week has been bad. I'm afraid to speak, not knowing what will come out. I feel like I'm seeing things for what they really are and it's not pretty. I don't like having this dark clarity. And I'm tired of analyzing my actions and thoughts. If I could, I would go away somewhere new. I would move to Austin, Texas, and I would purposefully wait a long time to make new friends. Perhaps I could pull a Ruby in Paradise.
2:49 PM
Thursday, January 25, 2001
Interesting. I wonder if she still has feeling in her body. So much work would have killed off quite a few nerve endings.
4:49 PM
Yesterday an article in the NYT Online read: "LLAHABAD, India, Jan. 24 ó First into the sacred waters were the naga sadhus ó the naked mystics ó a powder of ceremonial ashes anointing their bodies and swords and tridents brandished in their hands. The more modest among them wore loincloths, though none any wider than the tail of a kite... Officials variously put the number at 20 million to 30 million, enough to temporarily make historic Allahabad into one of the biggest cities in the world. The faithful had come for the gargantuan Hindu festival known as the Purna Kumbh Mela. It is a six-week fling, and it began on Jan. 9. According to the astrological positions of the sun, the moon and Jupiter, this morning's predawn offered the most auspicious moments of the most auspicious day in this most auspicious of events."
I was planning to go while I was involved with a terrible yoga center. I'm glad I've left that group but I'm also sorry I am missing this event. It all sounds very gross, but there is nothing I am doing right now that I will remember. This week has been bad for me. I feel weak. Inside out. Many friends are telling me the same thing. I think the people in India are sucking our energy away. I hope they do something good with it. Give it back, perhaps.
12:42 PM
Wednesday, January 24, 2001
Awards are being given to the best weblogs. I don't like awards. I hate the Hollywood ceremonies. And the concept that we all have to compete and beat each other, be the best, whatever that means. Then there is the clique of winners. Or the strings you pull to be in the IN Crowd. Would I like to Win? Sure. Do I think there are more important goals? Definitely.
6:16 PM
Tuesday, January 23, 2001
Olive is aLiVe! If you go visit, please choose the High Bandwidth version. Flash is fun and still makes me think of Benny Hill.
12:53 PM
Monday, January 22, 2001
I took a beginner's yoga class on Saturday. Mom and I went. I didn't like the atmosphere. It reminded me too much of the last place I had joined, where I met the most terrible teacher. There's a hunger to convert the students. A need to prove your spiritual leader is the best. An Ego that preaches and judges. And there is no translation between the lifestyle that was prescribed for followers in India, vs. New York City. I get so tired of thinking sometimes. And talking. And listening. I need to isolate the causes of my melancholy. It's starting to annoy me. I am bored with my own moodiness.
10:33 AM
Sunday, January 21, 2001
I listened to the Grateful Dead last evening. It had been years. I still love them. I LOVE them. Even if I have sad memories associated with the songs, after almost 15 years I'm able to enjoy the music. I never saw them play. One birthday my parents took me to their concert and there were no more tickets left but we walked thru parked cars and dancing people smoking and drinking, and I got a cool tie-dye t-shirt and I think I was happy.
Stella Blue
Lyrics: Robert Hunter
Music: Jerry Garcia
All the years combine
They melt into a dream
A broken angel sings
From a guitar
In the end there's just a song
Comes crying up the night
Through all the broken dreams
And vanished years
Stella Blue
Stella Blue
When all the cards are down
There's nothing left to see
There's just the pavement left
And broken dreams
In the end there's still that song
Comes crying like the wind
Down every lonely street
That's ever been
Stella Blue
Stella Blue
I've stayed in every blue light cheap hotel
Can't win for trying
Dust off those rusty strings just one more time
Gonna make them shine
It all rolls into one
And nothing comes for free
There's nothing you can hold
For very long
And when you hear that song
Come crying like the wind
It seems like all this life
Was just a dream
Stella Blue
Stella Blue
12:02 AM
Friday, January 19, 2001
I'm tired of being "nice". If I was completely honest with all my friends, how would they handle my moods? I feel being completely honest is very selfish. However, lying and pretending has become as commonplace as saying "How are you?", without caring for the answer. Do animals lie? They may hide their toys and act guilty, but unless they're a cartoon, i'd guess even snakes are more honest than the politicians they may be compared to. People give animals a bad name.
1:12 PM
Thursday, January 18, 2001
I have about 12 girlfriends I consider good friends. Only 2 of them have good relationships with their fathers. And 1 of the 2 has only memories, as her dad has died as well. It's very surprising to me. Do girls and their fathers simply have a tough time? I didn't realize it is so common. In a way, we're all at the same place. Trying to find someone who will love us. At least this is my impression.
3:49 PM
Wednesday, January 17, 2001
"More than 30 years ago, Dr. Alfred Tomatis, a French physician, began to research the relationship between listening and learning. He recognized children develop listening abilities even before birth. Tomatis discovered that playing Mozart's music can help develop speech, improve motor skills and aid memory development. Tomatis's study supports a recent Florida law, known as the Beethoven Babies Bill, which legislates classical music in the daily program for all state-funded educational institutions and child-care facilities. Along with developing learning skills, classical music is also believed to stimulate a person's ability to think abstractly, reduce stress that impedes learning and give one's emotions a workout, leaving one feeling relaxed and refreshed. Because of this idea, classical music is also said to reduce the intensity and amount of labor pains."
3:12 PM
Tuesday, January 16, 2001
Fascinating: "The buzz at the 2001 meeting of the American Astronomical Society is still focused on a three-year old announcement: that the universe is expanding at a faster and faster rate. This news, announced at the 1998 annual meeting of the AAS, has sent physicists and cosmologists alike in search of the missing factor, unknown force or dark energy that could be causing the acceleration. Now a team is pushing for the development of a satellite called SNAP, or SuperNova/Acceleration Probe. The advanced technology, orbiting above earth's atmosphere, would give the probe the capability to look much deeper into space, picking up 2000 supernovae a year, compared to the dozen or so per year we're able to see now."
9:03 PM
Monday, January 15, 2001
Life is so precious. I take it for granted almost everyday. It's a luxury to complain. It's a luxury to be upset because my $55 dollar jeans aren't fitting quite right. It's a luxury to wish I had a big apartment with lots of light and no noise but it should be conveniently located close to subway lines and grocery stores. It is NOT a luxury to wish for happiness.
11:26 PM
Saturday, January 13, 2001
Boris Pasternak:
"We cease to recognize reality. It manifests itself in some new category. And this category appears to be its own inherent condition and not our own. Apart from this condition everything in the world has a name. Only it is new and is not yet named. We try to name it - and the result is art." -Safe Conduct, 1931
"He both feared and loved that future and was secretly proud of it, and, as though for the last time, as if saying goodbye, was avidly aware of the trees and clouds and of the people walking in the streets of the great Russian city struggling through misfortune ñ and he was ready to sacrifice himself to make things better but was powerless to do so." -Doctor Zhivago, 1956
12:34 AM
Thursday, January 11, 2001
Our email and web connection has been down all day. It's frightening how much I rely on them for work. Now we're using a modem to dial-up. Or out. Or whatever the lingo is. And I am still tired. Time is going by very quickly.
6:44 PM
the snow doesn't give a soft white damn whom it touches
- e.e.cummings -
12:40 AM
Wednesday, January 10, 2001
Sleep deprivation does not agree with me after the first two days. I become grumpy, unproductive, and easily irritated. A brimming cup of sunshine. "In March, 1998, students at Colchester Sixth Form College in Britain also tested the results of sleep deprivation. Certain functions were, indeed, slowed down, like typing skills. Speech became slurred and reaction time slower. However, much to their surprise, they discovered that there was an improvement in math skills, short term memory and the ability to sort papers."
3:56 PM
Tuesday, January 09, 2001
I just discovered, many female poets I love committed suicide. Marina Tsvetaeva, Anne Sexton, Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath. Ok, I don't Love the last two, but it's strange to see they all took their life. It's very difficult to find a good translation of Tsvetaeva online. This following version will have to do until I write down the Feinstein translation. It's the first poem of hers I read many years ago in Chicago. She corresponded with Rilke and I think she has a link to Boris Pasternak as well. I haven't had time to research her life but it's going to be exciting. I love the Internet for times like these.
Still yesterday he met my gaze,
But now his eyes are darting shiftly!
Till birdsong at first light he stayed,-
Now larks are crows, met with hostility!
So I am stupid, you are wise,
You live, I lie dumbstricken, numb to you.
O how the woman in me cries:
"O my dear love, what have I done to you?"
The ships of lovers-lost set sail,
A white road takes the lover shunning you...
Across the world a long-drawn wail:
"O my dear love, what have I done to you?"
There only yesterday he kneeled.
He called me his "Cathay" admiringly.
Then spread his palm out -- to reveal
A rusty kopek, a life derisory.
Like an infanticide in court
I stand detested, shy, confronting you.
Yet still I ask, when I am brought
To Hell:"O my dear love, what have I done to you?"
I asked the chair, I asked the bed:
"Why should I bear the pain, the misery?"
"He wants to torture you" they said,
"To kiss another. Where's the mistery?"
He taught me living -- at furnace heat,
In icy steppe he left me suddenly.
"That is what you, dear, did to me!
O my dear love, what have I done to you?"
Now all is plain -- don't contradict!
I see again - I'm not your partner.
A heart that love leaves derelict
Is fair terrain for Death-the-Gardener.
Why shake the tree? Ripe apples fall
To earth themself and never trouble you...
Forgive me now, forgive me all
That I, dear love, have ever done to you!
14.06.1920
Translation: © Peter Tempest
12:13 PM
Monday, January 08, 2001
I wonder what stereotype I am illustrating. The Ally McBeal existence? She's never travelled anywhere since the show started years ago. While I have taken trips, I do feel stuck. And then there's the concept of Shadenfreude. Translated, it means being pleased with others' misfortune; finding comfort in the discomfort of others. Or maybe it's less severe and it has to do with feeling you belong when you learn of the sadness of other people. There's a huge difference between being compassionate and having Shadenfreude. I feel the latter quality in some of my friends and it makes me sad to realize most people are only human... Happiness is still my goal. Maybe I should think of it as losing 5 pounds. I need to take serious steps to being happy. It doesn't just happen. All this time I saw being Happy as a ray of sunshine that would magically fall on me. And there have been times when I did feel intense happiness. But I don't want to leave it up to chance. Meaning, I need a plan. All these thoughts are so simple and obvious, yet it's taken me years to really understand them.
12:54 PM
Saturday, January 06, 2001
i just found a stack of emails i wrote years ago, with a man i would have married, had he not already had a wife. we were always platonic and i always was thrown off balance after spending time with him. oh, no. i'm starting to write silly things while my original wish was to use this space for worthwhile information and thoughts. i'll try to think up something important tomorrow.
5:39 PM
Friday, January 05, 2001
Blogger is broken. The dairy is off until I start coding my own entries. Or, until "they" fix their technical tissues. I have NO patience on the computer.
12:14 PM
Sophomore year of college I met him. We became best friends. I was wearing lime green clogs when we first talked in woodshop. A couple of times we could have broken our platonic status. One of us always held back. I treasured his friendship and did not want to risk it. I knew him too well. Heíd pick me up and swing me around, tell me he wanted to put me in his pocket. We had our own language. Sometimes weíd laugh so hard we would cry, disfigured and doubled over. His mom loved me. Sheís one of the few moms Iíve truly liked. Towards the end of college we got into a strange routine where we would stop talking with each other for weeks and weeks until one of us would pick up the phone and weíd go have a wonderful dinner to re-new our friendship. A year out of college we both ended up in Manhattan. When dad got his initial diagnosis, heís the first person I called. And he is the only friend who completely fell off the face of the earth in the months to come. I wonder if he ever wonders how I am.
2:29 AM
Wednesday, January 03, 2001
I hold the universe between my ears. I filter everyThing and play with it in pretend conversations. Am I bored? Am I lazy? Have I truly become a shadow of my childhood? If breakfast cereal looked the way I feel right now, there wouldn't be many customers lining up. No matter how much reality I am hit with, no matter how many absurd hours I have gone thru, I still return to a state of quiet dissatisfaction and declining propensity for writing concisely and intelligently.
12:42 AM
Tuesday, January 02, 2001
If Fate does exist, would we ever know it?
4:10 PM
Monday, January 01, 2001
At brunch today a friend of a friend, someone I went on a blind date with about 3 years ago, he played a piece by Schubert. Right there in our friend's living room, on a crappy piano, he played Schubert. He was about to leave but two of us said we love Schubert so he stayed and it was beautiful. I was Happy. I was There. I felt Alive. (He met me when things were still relatively "normal" and my hair was long.) I would love to hear him play again. But how do you tell someone you want to spend time with them and get to know them but not necessarily get physically involved? Do people still get to know each other for no other reason than to be friends? When you're out of college, how do men and women develop friendships? (Unless you work at the same company - and unless one of you is gay.) I want to tell him he made me happy. I want to tell him I'd love to hear him practice, hear him play. I felt lucky to be there in that living room today. I wished more of my friends could have been there. It was strange to see, not everyone was as entranced as I. Guess that makes me special, huh? Hello Ego. 2001 - I went to sleep at 11.45 pm, on purpose. I wonder if I emit a sad aura. I hope not. The plastic bag in American Beauty: that was how the spontaneous Schubert piece made me feel today. Thank you Derek.
9:11 PM
