Wednesday, February 28, 2001
today was good. went by quickly. wrote a lot. feel like something has happened to make me view things differently. and it's good. the seattle earthquake and the mardi gras riots are not good.
7:01 PM

Tuesday, February 27, 2001
Just bought some soup at a nearby deli/bakery. An older man, possibly almost 70 was behind me and he cheered me up. We didn't speak but merely his presence was cheerful. He got a danish and some coffee with a touch of milk. He had a grey beard and glasses. He wasn't jolly. He was mellow and aware. And he was wearing nice cologne. I don't know why American Boys/Men don't wear cologne. Do they think they'd be all "Guido"? I LOVE the right cologne on the right man. Polo. Polo is wonderful. Don't know other scents because I haven't had to research. Am I surrounded by the wrong professions? Do creative types shun wearing AfterShave?
12:49 PM

Mom bought a book on Vedic Astrology. Unlike Western Astrology, it does not shy away from dealing with death, destruction, and misery. I find much of Western astrology softens potential disaster in someone's chart. I can see why one would prefer a more optimistic reading, but I also think hearing "bad" news can help you deal with those times better. Actually, ignorance is bliss. If I only had one year to live, would I want to know? 10 years? 30 years? It seems I am "supposed" to have kids. Children and creativity are very strong in my sign, the one of the female rat.
11:17 AM

Monday, February 26, 2001
In the morning, I watched A Wedding Story on the Learning Channel. Usually I don't, since the couples seem tacky or lame or just annoying. Well, today, for the first time, I cried along with the bride and groom. They were just so nice and in-sync with each other. Their voices had the same softness and strength and love. It was a beautiful moment I want for myself. -- Saw Cabaret last night. Wonderful movie. Sally Bowles reminded me of Kate and YS. Or vice versa. -- Had a nice talk about Friendship on Saturday night. The nature of friendship, the difference between frienships with men vs. women. In college most of my friends were men. Now they are women. And it seems my male friends are changing. Or I am finally getting a more complete idea of who they are. It's a bit difficult to re-adjust. And then, making new male friends as an adult vs. a student is not so easy.
12:57 PM

Saturday, February 24, 2001
Meeting a person you instantly get along with always throws me off a little. In a good way for the most part. And then, well, I sometimes say things I'm not intending to say. It feels like ideas are just coming out of my head. No filtering. I am aware - no turrets syndrome here. But I do wonder whether I'm becoming too much like my mom: the unconventional side of her. How do I come across to people who don't know me from another time and place? What draws us to one another? And it is most lovely when you know someone so well you can be silent together and still have a good time. -- Earlier tonight I met the girlfriend of a very close friend. I had not seen her for a year. She is a skeleton. She is so terribly thin, I was shocked. Did not recognize her. I can't help but wonder how my friend can stand by and watch his girlfriend dissipate. I don't know if it's a health or a mental problem. In other words, is it a tape worm, or is it an eating disorder? And how can he watch? It is impossible to know what goes on in a relationship, behind closed doors, but in my idealistic way, I would think he should be able to help her. I want to help her. -- Silence. I need to do something alone this weekend. And while I just got a haircut yesterday, I again have the desire to get my hair chopped very very short.
1:00 AM

Friday, February 23, 2001
I've had this domain name since March 6th, 1997. 4 years is a very long time.
5:40 PM

Thanks to spiralgirl, I am in Love. Oh, if anyone wants to give me an expensive gift, one of Heller's prints will make me extremely happy. Check out her Gallery. I could stare at them for a very long time. -- Ok, so there are these trucks in the city, with the word G.O.D. spelled huuuuuge on their sides. They Guarantee Overnight Delivery. And they offend me.
12:27 PM

I was researching Esoteric Astrology and came upon a very informative site. This article on Time is good to read. The Present. Living in the Present. Living. "At one time, human beings received much of their information about time from their environment. The length of daylight determined the number of hours in a day. Naturally, nightfall varied by three or four hours over the course of a year. However, artificial light eventually replaced natural light, allowing various activities to continue around the clock. With the added convenience of 24-hour banking, shopping, and eating, etc., we hardly even pause to notice if it's pitch-dark or sunny out."
12:02 AM

Thursday, February 22, 2001
the Grammy's: Elton John is amazing. I had written him off as cheesy but hearing him live: that man has some strong vibe. Sheryl Crow and Shelby Lynne were awesome! Christina Aquillera has the voice but I don't like her melodies - can't sing along. Destiny's Child: what legs! U2, I still love. Faith Hill: she's an embarassment. The elephant in the livingroom. I wonder if she knows how badly she sucks. What a sham. Missed Madonna but that's just as well. Didn't like the Moby / BlueMan Group crap. Enjoyed Dolly Parton a lot. -- Today: it's snowing and it's super cold. I got a haircut, just in time. I vacillate between loving the short hair and feeling I look like a Q-Tip. -- Am feeling antsy in general. And hungry. And I wonder how much money is enough so I can be independently wealthy. One million? Two million?
5:28 PM

Wednesday, February 21, 2001
So this morning I'm walking to work and there's a movie being shot and a man asked me if I could STOP for a second, as my body would make a reflection in the window across the street. I said, "I can't go to work?" he answered "Only a second". About 8 of us ended up standing around for a minute, which in NYC is a very long time, and I was angry. and then I got even more angry about being angry.
12:43 PM

Oh, it's a bad mood day. An all-encompassing nasty mood like a huge thick sweater. Before I forget, two nights ago I dreamt of him again. We met after a long time and he was crouching down with a friend. I bounced over, he had stood up and put both hands on my waist. It was a lovely alternative to the typical hug. I felt grounded. And comfortable.
9:27 AM

Tuesday, February 20, 2001
One of my photography teachers believed you should never crop a photo after you take it. You need to deal with the composition as you're snapping the shot. No alterations afterwards. In a way I agree. However, I many times break this rule when I put a photo up online. Ahhhhh Photoshop, the new reality. And my keyboard, the one object I unfortunately touch the most. -- Ok. So I have an addendum to my In the Mood for Love recommendation. A few of my friends did not like it at all. Which is very interesting. As with all relationships, it's about Timing. I loved it so much. I still see images from it and must watch it again. -- And also, I know of a few friends who read this daily dairy. I LOVE knowing that I'm not just pissing in the wind here. Or if I am, I'm taking people along with me (shellfish, I know!) But I do try to write without specific agendas. I purposefully omit thoughts of my current work/employment, but otherwise I try not to hold back. Ok, that's not true. I don't write anything that could encourage lunatics to chase me down. I stay away from words like "breast", "naked", "thigh", etc. etc. etc. Unless we're talking chicken. And besides E. and C., and myself, and perhaps S., does everyone else find the word "monkey" funny? Do you have to understand english?
12:07 PM

Monday, February 19, 2001
I saw some TV show and finally got the lowdown on Willie Nelson and his trouble with the IRS. He sounds as amazing as I figured. Generous with people who need his help. Rare. Rare man. And then I caught a bit of a show about Tibet, narrated by Kris Kristofferson. What a voice. What a man. Plus the "intimidator" who died this weekend: Dale Earnhardt, the seven-time Winston Cup champion and one of the most beloved stars in auto racing history. I don't know what he was like but seeing his friends on TV, the fans and other racers... I liked them. The Steve McQueen flair.
2:17 PM

Sunday, February 18, 2001
In the Mood for Love directed by Kar-wai Wong is a magical movie. Beautiful. Lovely. Unexpected. Reassuring to see. Everything is how it should be. A perfect slice of time. Beyond time. Across time. How sad sad sad the number one movie in America is Hannibal. How horrible and no wonder I feel displaced. I loved Crouching Tiger, but that pales in comparison with this film. Tiger/Dragon is after all an action movie. And while it's not the happiest ones ever made, it's not as powerful as In the Mood... True, I'm oddly calm today. Maybe events around me have catapoulted me into a different rhythm. Living with my mom is making me see another side of life. Surreal. All is surreal. I wish I had some rehearsals before I got myself into this current role.
1:07 AM

Thursday, February 15, 2001
It seems I do a lot of random thinking while I'm walking to work. I get super bored going the same way but unless I start taking detours, I don't have many options between my bed and the office. Anyhow, I am questioning my instinct. About certain situations and people. Was thinking that if you have enough random thoughts running around, some of them are bound to be right on. -- Yesterday I found this oddly reassuring website. It puts things in some kind of perspective. You can either go macro or micro, in search for Beauty, Love, Truth, Hope. -- And then there's that Amex commercial for Big Blue. The credit card is being twisted and pulled by two robotic clamps / hands. Beautiful classical music is in the background, not sure by whom. I remember watching the US Open two years ago with dad in Florida and that commercial came on. Time is strange. Theories are strange. Do cookies in a jar have thoughts? And why shouldn't they?
12:49 PM

Wednesday, February 14, 2001
St. Valentine's Day. What to say? It's rude that popular culture omitted the "St." from this celebration of plastic candy and chocolate bears. I am tired. Then I get antsy. Soon to grow grumpy and despondent. While at the same time appreciating the miracles all around us. And once again, the gorgonzola in my sandwich, now in my tummy, is too overwhelming. Blakh.
3:12 PM

Tuesday, February 13, 2001
So I just found an interesting link explaning how Men Are Crazy for Women Who Are, Too on Bryan's site. I read it and laughed out loud. I sent the URL to my friends. I read it again. I still laughed. But now I am a bit troubled. See, I feel I am naturally drawn towards complex people. Not complicated anymore, just complex. The idea of me being CRAZY is flattering. But I think it's flattering because I'm actually not crazy. But I hope I'm not "normal". Who wants to be normal, huh? And then I wonder whether I've been attracted to men who are attracted to crazy women but because I'm not actually a lunatic, things never worked out. Too many theories. Too many thoughts. Too much analyzing. You like someone, you like them. Why can't two people make something work? Valentine's Day. Must dig up information on St. Valentine, poor soul.
7:15 PM

One year and 5 months today. At this moment, it's more of a number. My dad's death was so strange. The whole year leading up to the end. And beginning, depending what your beliefs are. I'll write it all out one of these days. -- Once again, I remember part of a dream. I was in water (which means illness) but there was a horse (which is good luck) in the water and I was trying to get on and ride away. Don't think I managed. -- In the morning I caught Jamie Oliver, the Naked Chef, on "Rosie". There's something so delightful in watching a grown man smashing little tomatoes with his bare beautiful hands. And getting the pits out of black olives. With his bare hands. And he has messy hair. And that boyish charm. And he's not afraid to get dirty. And let's face it, he's handsome. When Emeril does the same thing, I have to change the channel - that little elf freaks me out. I wonder if other men find the Naked Chef cool. I wonder if he has straight male as well as female appeal. Does he? -- Oh, I feel girlish. Which is good since I am one but there are negative connotations in certain circles, with being a girl instead of a WOMAN. Sometimes people get hung up on words, myself included. Doubleplusgood.
1:17 PM

Monday, February 12, 2001
I've thought of keeping different diaries for different friends. After a year, give it to them. Trouble is, I'm not sure who would be a good candidate. I have to volunteer somewhere. I'm bored with everything being about myself. At least while I make ME feel better, I should be helping someone else out as well. Oh, I had a vivid dream this morning. Eric (my shiny new present of an old friend to unwrap and get to know in 2001, sometimes like peeling an onion) he had caught and killed a white rabbit. He showed me the dead animal and it was cut in half, with a very clean, soft white fur. For some reason he used my bare back to lay the rabbit out on and then he proceeded to scrape off the meat with a knife blade. The rabbit's flesh fell like semi-frozen sushi. It had a strange consistency. I said how I had arranged to put moles on my back for the occasion and he said Yeah, he had noticed. But everything was calm and natural. I don't know how to even start interpreting what it means. And must it mean anything?
12:08 PM

Friday, February 09, 2001
I am falling in love with TS Eliot.

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock - excerpt:

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all" --
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say, "That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all."

and THE WASTE LAND - excerpt:

'My nerves are bad t-night. Yes, bad. Stay with me.
'Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.
'What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?
'I never know what you are thinking. Think.'

11:29 AM

Thursday, February 08, 2001
I developed my sea food allergy about a year ago. Now with Mad Cows, I am limited to chicken. Too bad. I love red meat. Perhaps I must give up the things I love. Not be confined by them. I still have not grasped the Buddhist thought of detachment. Loving and caring for every creature in the world, yet being detached at the same time. Had a great conversation last night. The conclusion was that if you have to sacrifice your personal ethics (at the workplace) you should leave. You are the most important thing in your life but above you are your ethics. Taking care of yourself. Have I been attracted to complicated people so I would not have the time to de-complicate myself?
12:29 PM

Wednesday, February 07, 2001
I wonder how much we read each other's minds. I know I have a lot to say in my quiet voice. Do we also communicate like animals? By scent, brainwaves, the size of our pupils. And how has email changed us? If I wrote letters with the content of some of my emails and mailed them daily, not only would I need to wait a long time for a response, but I could be considered a bit psycho. Does this minimize the importance of emails? Does this neutralize some of the content? I think we're entering an age of higher consciousness. Being able to open up and share experiences with more people can only help. Sometimes I do miss tearing an envelope and feeling paper, smelling ink, finding little surprises like a cool candy wrapper or a dried leaf or even a sticker. Is it mainly in big cities like New York where people are afraid of Touch? Not that I want strangers "invading my personal space". Ugh.
12:28 PM

Monday, February 05, 2001
I dreamt the dentist had to pull two of my teeth out. I felt him pull, heard the sound of the root struggling to stay inside, then felt the blood come on. He gave me a tooth transplant, now that I think of it. I hope I was influenced by the latest X-Files. Dreaming of teeth being pulled, according to Zolar's Dream Encyclopedia, means financial disaster, or something equally cheerful.
5:45 PM

Sunday, February 04, 2001
Julia Stiles looks like an Amblonyx. I like them both.
7:57 PM

Tonight is the first time I sang karaoke. I love it. It's a breakthru. I went with two of my oldest, closest friends and the energy was ideal. "everytime you go away"... you take a piece of me with you (paul young) and Creep with J. and A. has an incredible voice. I am in shock. I have known A. for years and years and had no idea she is such a songstress. Wonderful night. Oh, and I do have a greater appreciation for singers. It's not all easy. Sigh, it was good.
2:47 AM

Friday, February 02, 2001
Yesterday on the Today show they brought a wolf on a leash. He was beautiful. It was sad to see him being paraded around, surrounded by the people gawking in Rockefeller Center. My dad had wolf eyes. Beautiful, intense, intelligent.

"The Native Americans believed the earth and everything in it was a huge, living web, sharing one common spirit. The animals were not lesser beings, but part of the "four-footed" tribes, which provided special help to their human relatives. And every stone, plant, and animal was a teacher whose traits could provide a model for human behavior.
Wolves held a special place in almost all Native American tribes. They were admired for their strength and powers of endurance. They taught the tribes about sharing, cooperating while hunting and looking after the young, caring and having pride in their tribes. They showed the Indians how to move in the forests -- carefully and quietly. The hunters looked for signs of them, for when game was scarce, the wolves would be gone. And after killing the prey, a good hunter always left a piece of meat behind. Some tribes thought that we were the creatures most patterned after the wolf, and not the other way around."
11:41 AM

Thursday, February 01, 2001
If I could, I would go back in time 20 years with all the knowledge I've gained. If that wasn't possible, I would choose to be Gwen Stefani (birthday: October 3, 1969: libra.) Drew Barrymore seems so happy, she could be an alternative (birthday: February 22, 1975: Pisces). And my big third wish, which perhaps should be the first, is to be completely healthy until I will die in my sleep at the ripe old age of 85.
8:16 PM

There are some things I will NEVER do. Many people I will NEVER know. Many books I will NEVER read. Songs I will NEVER hear. Alarming. And at the same time I seem to be drawn to the same types of people. I do have a pattern. I miss Shrinky Dinks.
2:18 PM