Monday, January 30
quote of the weekend: "why am i clutching a losing lottery ticket?" - m.n.

there's nothing like a big mountain to bring out oh so many thoughts. it's humbling to realize how much i still am tied to my childhood. the to-do list just got longer but it's all good. skiing again after 8 years was fun and frustrating bec. i have a lot to improve. next time i'm taking a lesson. j. was great about shepherding me on some slopes though i think i worried too much about holding him back. if winter ever arrives, i'll be happy to go back. oh, and the peak of killington is strikingly beautiful, much like a classic asian print.

happy year of the dog and happy birthday christopher!
10:57 AM

Friday, January 27
we met on this night: jan. 20th, 2005
2:21 PM

Sunday, January 22
i saw the MET Rauschenberg and Fra Angelico shows. some early pieces of R. were lovely but i find most of his work heavy handed and formulaic. F.A. on the other hand had some unexpectedly beautiful small paintings. i glazed over after a while. ----- i also saw a one legged woman, from the back, long straight black hair, thin wearing a long black coat, using crutches, crossing the street. i wondered if she was beautiful, in a relationship, how she lost her leg, where she was going, if she had been in an accident or not. ----- i had a great yoga class with the appropriate "what goes around, comes around" theme. i hope i've paid off past dues and do plan to be mindful of my actions and how they affect others. being Open and sweet may be the hardest thing to do in a city like nyc, yet this is one of the places that needs it the most.
10:05 PM

Friday, January 20
check out the dogs!
11:52 AM

Sunday, January 15
To Ramona - Bob Dylan (1964)

Ramona, come closer,
Shut softly your watery eyes.
The pangs of your sadness
Shall pass as your senses will rise.
The flowers of the city
Though breathlike, get deathlike at times.
And there's no use in tryin'
T' deal with the dyin',
Though I cannot explain that in lines.

Your cracked country lips,
I still wish to kiss,
As to be under the strength of your skin.
Your magnetic movements
Still capture the minutes I'm in.
But it grieves my heart, love,
To see you tryin' to be a part of
A world that just don't exist.
It's all just a dream, babe,
A vacuum, a scheme, babe,
That sucks you into feelin' like this.

I can see that your head
Has been twisted and fed
By worthless foam from the mouth.
I can tell you are torn
Between stayin' and returnin'
On back to the South.
You've been fooled into thinking
That the finishin' end is at hand.
Yet there's no one to beat you,
No one t' defeat you,
'Cept the thoughts of yourself feeling bad.

I've heard you say many times
That you're better 'n no one
And no one is better 'n you.
If you really believe that,
You know you got
Nothing to win and nothing to lose.
From fixtures and forces and friends,
Your sorrow does stem,
That hype you and type you,
Making you feel
That you must be exactly like them.

I'd forever talk to you,
But soon my words,
They would turn into a meaningless ring.
For deep in my heart
I know there is no help I can bring.
Everything passes,
Everything changes,
Just do what you think you should do.
And someday maybe,
Who knows, baby,
I'll come and be cryin' to you.

1:40 PM

Friday, January 13
finally... (almost)

5:20 PM

Thursday, January 12
this weather... 60 degrees in january in nyc. it's the same as when we first began. to love, to live, to trust and understand, with gentleness and open hearts, minds, fingers and toes. i am optimistic and relaxed, 10 days of time have clarified a lot for me. now to bring it all together... patience is definitely a virtue

10:57 AM

Wednesday, January 11
i'm putting up a front based on what i hope is good and fair and kind. i'm holding in, back, around. it's a normal thing yet hard due to it's somewhat unforseen arrival and hard landing. the trouble with words is they can't always translate the heart. happy thoughts, happy thoughts... and my god, it's cold in here.
1:21 AM

Monday, January 9
new zealand looks amazing. just seeing adam's photos made me feel relaxed. i think nature helps us remember we are Human, not machines. there is a rush that comes from everything that is not concrete or man-made. certain art has the same effect. it's instant. it's the floating paper bag from the movie American Beauty: "It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
10:43 AM

Thursday, January 5
"Fearless" - Pink Floyd

You say the hill's too steep to climb,
Climb it!
You say you'd like to see me try,
Climb it!
You pick the place and I'll choose the time
And I'll climb
The hill in my own way
just wait a while, for the right day
And as I rise above the treeline and the clouds
I look down hear the sound of the things you said today
Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd, smiling
Emotionless the magistrate turns 'round, frowning
and who's the fool who wears the crown
Go down in your own way
And everyday is the right day
And as you rise above the fearlines in the frown
You look down
Hear the sound of the faces in the crowd
1:39 AM

Monday, January 2
why
12:41 AM