Wednesday, January 30, 2002
am i really that difficult to deal with?
10:19 PM

the show last night was good. strange venue, format and crowd. the music is amazing. but everyone was sitting. on one hand it's lovely not to sweat and fall over other people's toes. but when you hear great musicians, it's strange to sit tight. also there was a host who introduced every performer. the rhythm broke. i felt like i was in a museum watching different exhibits. or like a ghost on the Titanic. willie nelson still remains the most amazing performer i've heard and seen. i'd love to have my life be one long country/bluegrass song. not the sad sad kind of course. -- also realized last night we scattered my dad's ashed on Vero Beach. and then Vero became one of my best friends. i think she'll like this. maybe i'll leave her a little message tonight.
5:20 PM

Tuesday, January 29, 2002
what is The worst thing that could happen to you?

now work backwards.

tonight seeing Down From the Mountain: music from "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" featuring: Allison Krauss & Union Station, Emmylou Harris, Patty Loveless, Ralph Stanley, The Whites, The Peasalls, Norman & Nancy Blake, Chris Thomas King and Robert Neuwirth. i hope there are no cowboy hats infront.
12:13 PM

Sunday, January 27, 2002
i woke up snotty. the itchy feeling before falling ill. took some chinese cold syrup tea. will go to yoga class. post-poned dinner tonight.

"On the stairs an image came to him. Was love then like a bag of assorted sweets passed around from which one might choose more than once? Some might sting the tongue, some invoke night perfume. Some had centers as bitter as gall, some blended honey and poison, some were quickly swallowed. And among the common bull's-eyes and peppermints a few rare ones; one or two with deadly needles at the heart, another that brought calm and gentle pleasure. Were his fingers closing on that one?" -- The Shipping News by Annie Proulx
11:40 AM

Saturday, January 26, 2002
once mom and i are in her new place i have to start looking for my own space. i don't know if i can last until Spring. it's been years since i've lived in peace and quiet. i'm also trying to figure out what makes me happy. what is my recipe? i found an online chinese astrology site which maps out the luck levels for your entire life. mine is not good until i'm 48. except time of birth makes a difference. and i'm not quite sure when i was born. no one wrote it down. doctors in romania didn't note down the time of birth. it's so very retarded since as a c.section baby my mom could have tried to time a more favorable day/hour. but she didn't know about astrology until it was too late. if i ever had to give birth, i would plan it and try to give my kid as much help from the stars as i could.
11:01 PM

Thursday, January 24, 2002
i am not in a good mood today
4:19 PM

Wednesday, January 23, 2002
i am having an anxiety attack
3:56 PM

pure bliss. seeing willie nelson live in concert for 2.15 hours was pure bliss. had to leave before he finished. april left her purse at the office and i had the keys and now i have his anchors to look forward to for thursday night. he must have played Teatro songs after we left. i'm not so crazy about The Great Divide. tonight. i laughed and i cried. i drank a Glen Livet Whisky which fit right in. Angel Too Close to the Ground got me. then Seven Spanish Angels (my parents and i loved it years ago, driving in the car.) also Always on My Mind. i'm considering getting a ticket for tomorrow night as well but i may need to rest up instead. my god. he is AMAZING. there is no one else like Willie Nelson. i was HAPPY. besides hanging out with my dad again, i was the happiest i've been. in the moment. Buena Vista Social Club seemed incredible and they were but tonight surpassed it. i wish i lived in Austin. i wish i had a house in Texas. -- i forgot to mention I'll Fly Away. he played that one too. i could listen to him every night. every week. how can i change my life so i feel more of this happiness? yoga can make me feel euphoric as well. -- it's so hard to explain. explain being "happy". nothing else on your mind. i know i'm going on and on but the stillness of the beauty of his songs. the LIFE. the fire. i think willie nelson should be declared a saint. after the amount of JOY he's given millions of people in concert and on tape, he is a saint. it's all good. thursday is t.shirt buying night. (:

If you had not have fallen
Then I would not have found you
Angel flying too close to the ground
And I patched up your broken wing
And hung around a while
Tried to keep your spirits up
And your fever down
I knew someday that you would fly away
For love's the greatest healer to be found
So leave me if you need to
I will still remember
Angel flying too close to the ground
Fly on, fly on past the speed of sound
I'd rather see you up
Than see you down
Leave me if you need to
I will still remember
Angel flying too close to the ground
12:07 AM

Tuesday, January 22, 2002
Yves Klein - French, 1928-1962
"The son of two painters, Yves Klein was born in Nice, France in 1928. Always drawn to the limitless blue expanses of sea and sky that dominate life on the Mediterranean coast, Klein expressed in his art the obsessive longing he felt for these weightless, limitless spaces beyond the material world. A self-taught artist, he studied Judo (the marshal art) and Rosicrucianism (a mystical Christian sect) in his teens and twenties. Klein believed that "Judo is, in effect, the discovery of the human body in a spiritual space." Klein was also drawn to eastern religions that envisioned the transformation of the world with static dimensions into an age of space and pure spirit. Through fasting and meditation, he felt that he could leave his body and float into a spatial void.
...
In his body paintings, or anthropometries, Klein wanted to record the body's physical energy. These body prints on canvas reminded him of the imprints left on the judo mat after one participant has fallen in a contest. In creating his anthropometries, Klein used the human body as a "living paint brush." Bathing his models in his signature International Klein Blue paint, he directed them to press and drag their bodies across paper and canvas, leaving impressions of IKB paint. The resulting images are not only likenesses of the models but also represent their temporary physical presence. "
4:30 PM

Monday, January 21, 2002
the interview with Paul Rand (see link below) is a rush to read especially on this dreary day.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Kroeger: The other color studies: wet and dry, hot and cold, good and evil, and tumble and hide.

Rand: I know. How is this wet? How is this dry? You are just saying it. It does not look wet. What is the difference? This stuff is difficult stuff to do. You are involved in very complicated philosophy and psychology. Wetness to one person may be dryness to somebody else.

Everything is relative. Design is relationships. That is were you start. Do you say what design is?

Kroeger: No, not in the beginning.

Rand: Well, that is important. If you say design is relationships, you are already giving them something. That is very basic and they do not already know about it, when they read this stuff. Without knowing the basic theory; people feel they have to memorize everything. It is impossible.

Kroeger: That is what I am trying to approach. What is the best way to teach design to undergraduate students?

Rand: You have to define all your terms. You have to define what design is. Do you know what design is? What is design?

Kroeger: (no response)

Rand: People have to understand what the hell they are doing. In art school people assume everybody understands everything. They do not. You talk about design and there is no definition and everybody has different ideas what design is. One person thinks of his father's tie. One person thinks of his mother's nightgown. Another person thinks of his carpet in his living room. Another person is thinking of his wallpaper in his john. You know, that is not design. That is decorating.

What is the difference between design and decoration? The basics are very important! This is not basic. There is nothing basic about this stuff. This is really sophisticated stuff. I do not know how it was taught in Basel. I suppose it was done by example, not by theory.
12:56 PM

Sunday, January 20, 2002
... from an interview with Paul Rand:

Kroeger: It is a 19th and 20th century phenomenon that we have these museums.

Rand: Where did you get that? That the museum is a twentieth century phenomenon.

Kroeger: Art in the museum is a fairly recent development.

Rand: We never had it.

Kroeger: Because people were not educated?

Rand: Museums have separated art from normal experience. The answer is in the problem. The problem is that it is isolated from where it should be. Art should be in your bedroom, in your kitchen, not just in the museums.

Kroeger: It is interesting that you can fill a football stadium every Sunday with 75 thousand people, but you could shoot a cannon through a museum . . .

Rand: Well, it may be true of the art museum here, but it is certainly not true of the big museums that are always mobbed. Always! It used to be when you went into a museum there was nobody there. When I went into art school we used to go and paint in a museum -- nobody was ever there. But now it is impossible.

Kroeger: Do you think people are searching for something to give meaning to their lives?

Rand: I do not know, do not ask me, you will have to ask a psychologist.
9:14 PM

i've stayed close friends with a few ex.boyfriends. i don't talk to them all the time. i don't see them all the time. but i know we would help each other as much as we can. we have history and time behind us. it's a strong bond. however, i hate triangles. it can be tricky to spend time with ex.boyfriends and their new girlfriends. i don't feel completely comfortable. i also don't feel quite at ease being with a new man in front of them. after talking with steve at the office, i've realized it's about Respect. there's no reason for me to flaunt in front of them. i expect them to be more reserved as well. after two people have sex, things change. even a kiss changes things forever and ever. -- S. has been crashing at his ex.girlfriend's this weekend. fine. however, her new boyfriend slept in bed with her while S. was sleeping in the living room. "Gross" keeps going thru my mind over and over again. i think this is so Gross. it's Gross. the 3 of them under one roof. it feels dysfunctional. if S. had been there with only his ex, then it would be fine. still weird, but somehow more natural. i've slept over exes places and Nothing happened. but i've never combined the old guy with the new one. i hate mindfu_ks. i had enough of those episodes in college. i don't need any more. where have all the MEN gone? men with integrity and guts? sigh. i should be writing about Paul Rand and Josef Albers. -- otherwise, i had an amazing yoga class today. mom and i found a new teacher. Sadie. she's fantastic. -- i need to get back to work. we have one presentation this week and one pitch. plus i'm seeing Willie Nelson twice.
7:17 PM

Friday, January 18, 2002
i'm aware by how quickly time slips away from this journal. i've been writing less and when i come back here and i see the last entry was 2 - 3 - 4 days ago, i am surprised. time in a stew pot. time is lame. i am tired from time. my to-do list is growing every day. -- last night saw carl interview lewis black. 2 hours of entertainment and intelligence. some profanity which i still find gratuitous, unless turrets syndrome is in the equation. it's interesting to think of stand up comedy. i wish i had asked him if he thought there were certain words that were inherently funny (monkey). and then i also wondered if there is a certain AMERICAN type of humor. vs. british, french, asian. in a way i know the answer. yes. humor is different. laughter is universal. also, can humor be taught? can you teach someone to be funny? - can you teach someone to Love? - are humor and love similar somehow? - in that they are universal and they are about letting go. lewis black. he teaches as well. you can tell. it's very refreshing to spent time with two generous, gracious people. carl and he had great chemistry as well. it was a nice night. once again i left right after it was over. next time i'll stick around.
6:13 PM

Tuesday, January 15, 2002
i met willie nelson tonight at barnes & noble. waited 2.5 hours. sat and read his new book which is awesome. he did a singing and signing. played:
- the Great Divide
- On the Road Again
- Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain
- Whiskey River

i gave him my card. told him if he needs pro-bono design for Farm Aid or anything, i want to help. i said i have a job. he laughed. then i told him he is A M A Z I N G. and he winked at me. we shook hands at some point. now all's in the hands of fate.
he is amazing. vibrant and aware and funny. old school. -- if i lived in Austin i would go hear him play over and over and over again. ah Austin. do dreams have expiration dates?
8:40 PM

From Winter's Tale by Mark Helprin
"To be mad is to feel with excrutiating intensity the sadness and joy of a time which has not arrived or has already been. And to protect their delicate vision of that other time, madmen will justify their condition with touching loyalty, and surround it with a thousand distractive schemes. These schemes, in turn, drive them deeper and deeper into the darkness and light (which is their mortification and their reward), and confront them with a choice. They may either slacken and fall back, accepting the relief of a rational view and the approval of others, or they may push on, and, by falling, arise. When and if by their unforgivable stubborness they finally burst through to worlds upon worlds of motionless light, they are no longer called afflicted or insane. They are called saints."
1:13 PM

my mom talks about "bad luck" too much. she puts herself in the role of a victim all the time. poor me. oh, i'm just beaten by fate. it drives me crazy to hear her talk like this. grin and bear it. or at least do SOMETHING about it. something less passive than whinning.
12:16 PM

Friday, January 11, 2002
thanks to carl i know that Wllie Nelson is going to be at Union Square Barnes and Noble next week (jan.15th) from 7-8 signing his new book and playing some songs. i HAVE to go. i LOVE him. his shows next week... hearing him play live is somthing i've wanted.
5:06 PM

Wednesday, January 09, 2002
watched two movies tonight. both free. mom got a pass for a screening of Orange County. it had a good cast but no story. at least it was only 1.5 hours long. then stevenm and i snuck in to Vanilla Sky. we even caught the previews. perfect timing. i cried a little during the I Am Sam preview. ok. just had some tears come out. (i miss dad - he certainly was NOT retarded but he was completely devoted. the preview will show you what i mean.) YS and i cried in michigan during the previews for Casper. i think it's very funny. ok. vanilla sky: i liked it! it's sometimes sad and painful to watch. yet i was pleasantly surprised. mom was just saying it didn't do too well. figures. it's not the most original scenario but it's good. tom cruise was good. penelope was good for her part. she does have a charming accent. cameron diaz i've always liked. beauty... good looks... "perfection"... am i awake?
12:21 AM

Tuesday, January 08, 2002
i made lemon bars from scratch last night. they are good. 20 little tarts.
6:01 PM

Monday, January 07, 2002
hated words from 98-99:
- crux
- wordsmith
- interstitial
- in lieu of...
- per se
- frankly...
- massage the files
- get up to speed
- poignant
- kvetch
- let it percolate

recent winners:
- apparently...
- it's like...

supporting "hated" words:
- crony
- musing
- whilst
- schlepp
- schmaltzy
12:24 PM

Friday, January 04, 2002
i LOVE!!!!! Cowboy Bebop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god. i watched Cowboy Bebop for the first time last night. cartoon channel shows two episodes from 12 - 1 am. IT'S AWESOME!!!!! intelligent, funny, odd, simple yet thoughtful. it's awesome. i am giddy thinking about it. Ed is so cute! i laughed out loud and i hardly ever do that with tv shows. and their website, each character has a birthdate and a bloodtype. and a "real" story. i'm still in the middle of reading. i am enchanted. -- this is Spike's description: "Spike is a bounty hunter from Mars. He was born on 26th June and is 27 years old. His blood type is O. His favorite ship is his speedster, the Swordfish II. His preferred gun is a Jericho 941. He is devotee of Bruce Lee, and a master of Jeet Kune Do. In his youth, he was heavily involved with the Red Dragon crime syndicate, until three years ago, when he met with a serious ìaccidentî under suspicious circumstances. Now he lives aboard the Bebop with Jet, and the two are permanently low on funds. He rarely talks about his past, but seems to have plenty of experience at martial arts and gunfights. He has the ability to see risks ahead, but this doesnít stop him putting himself in danger: he often faces unnecessary hazards. It would seem that his recklessness comes not from overconfidence in his abilities, but from a lapsed sense of self-preservation. He lacks fear because he has nothing left to lose."
2:22 PM

Thursday, January 03, 2002
this is a test
3:14 PM

saw an interview with elijah woods. he's a very well-mannered, well-bred young man. i like him now. i have to revise my impression of Lord of the Rings. i still think the direction he got for acting wasn't great, but i am more open to him. otherwise, i have many tasks to do but not the drive to do them. wanted to archive this diary last night and realized it would take a lot of time and rewriting of code. the online portfolio has precedence. and of course there is the daily work which has precedence over the precedence. my speech has declined since college. have i mentioned this already?
12:09 PM

today i started feeling ... like my head would either implode or explode. that's what i get for my gemini moon.
12:41 AM

Wednesday, January 02, 2002
lord of the rings: i went yesterday. sold out. but i was on the aisle so the claustrophobia was in check. the special effects didn't seem like effects, they were so well integrated. it's a beautiful movie. liv tyler was the weakest link. she looked and acted like a lost Victoria Secret's model. oh, she was bad. and it's credit to Viggo Mortenson that he still pulled off his part although he's in love with this lame porn like cross eyed girl - liv tyler i mean. i also didn't like frodo. the actor looks too much like a frog. his expressions were too simple somehow. SURPRISED. FURROWED TROUBLED BROW. HAPPY AS A LARK. repeat from the beginning: SURPRISED. etc. etc. eeeep. i agree with stevenm: toby mcGuire would have been better. still, it is a fairy tale. it is gorgeous. it feels more old school. ian mcKellan rocks. so does cate Blanchett. she's my favorite living actress. oh, Golem is very E.T. like. overall the movie is better than many but still falls short somehow. i think the standard for movies has declined. or maybe i've become more cynical with age. it's hard to get back into work today. i think we all should have all of january off. stay in and hibernate.
2:44 PM

Tuesday, January 01, 2002
it's the new year. why? because we all say so. 2002: palindrome. we had a lovely dinner at Olive. i used the office space to have 8 friends join. i think we were all perfectly compatible. the food was very good, something extremely important for me. none of us went hungry. mom wanted to stay home with dad's memory. i didn't think so much about the new year. i didn't let it get to me. got home at 3.30 am. now i'm still tired. there's a Mystery Marathon on PBS. i need to find something else to do though. am considering asking stevenm to see Lord of the Rings but i think i'm too sleepy. i wish i had the whole week off. the holidays have been light on work. it's an adjustment to jump back in. it doesn't help that it's super cold outside. my hands are dry. i need a massage and a facial. have to go back to Sushi, the schiatzu master. and somehow i need to start looking for my own apartment.
3:33 PM